or: how one of my anxieties was born.

Taking a shower really makes you think either about the most epic stuff or… remember your embarrassing past.

This must have happen around 2004/2005, I guess. I was in High School back then and around 16 years old. At that time the MSN Messenger was a big thing. And I mean big. The whole class of 30 students was using it and everyone had everyone on their contact list. I remember I loved using the plug-in that lets you change your status to what you are listening at the moment with the Windows Media Player (you know, back then when it didn’t suck). I love to share the music I‘m listening to – which was, admittedly, basically JPop and Anime music back then (oh god I really haven‘t change much, have I?). However my classmates only recognized it as “that strange Japanese music”. No biggy, everyone was cool about it aka no mobbing or stuff.

I‘m not sure when or how it happened (or which class it was), but we had to give a presentation about a music track we like. A girl from my class (she was the definition of punk girl) choose a song by Die Toten Hosen, a popular German punk rock band. I fell in love with the song on spot and did some research at home. At the end was I was listening to a variety of Die Toten Hosen songs in the evening, on my Windows Media Player, while I was online in MSN. Of course said girl noticed my status and confronted me immediately as to “Why are you listening to Die Toten Hosen”, “This style doesn’t fit you at all”, “You only listen to Japanese music” and “Why the fuck are you copying me?”.

I was… speechless. But more than anything else I was hurt. I don’t know how I replied but I do remember that I deleted all the music files faster than lightning and never listened to Die Toten Hosen again. And I do mean never. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t enjoy their music anymore, thanks to that situation.

This anxiety still hunts me today, more than 10 years later. For example whenever someone whom I’m close to on Twitter posts something – Manga, Anime, Game, Music – YOU NAME IT – I don’t know yet and start to love because of that person, I’m too afraid to show it. 9 out of 10 times I will stay silent. Heck I was so afraid after I posted a picture of my Manga shopping spree back in Winter 2016 because several Boys Love titles I found thanks to a very good and important friend on Twitter were shown. I’m seriously afraid that said person will hate me because of this or even find me annoying because “yes I’m copying him/her (yet again)”. And trust me, this sucks. You want to share your love of something, you want someone to talk to (and fangirl with) but you can’t because you are that annoying person that copies everyone else (or at least you keep telling yourself that).

I know this is stupid.
I know I shouldn’t give a damn about what others thing.

But believe me, this is easier said than done.